Anchors and Bridges

In my family, December is a time of refocusing, implementing traditions, and slowing down.  Whether you grew up with these same values or others, you can build your own traditions to create meaning in December and throughout the year.

Traditions are the anchors that tie the experience of our lives together, whether they are personal traditions that have been handed down through the extended family, or things that we have just put into place in our own homes.

Do you have certain faith traditions? Are there special meanings to different seasons of the year?

One of my favorite traditions for the season of Advent, leading up to Christmas, is the Advent Wreath. We always have one on the table, starting with the first Sunday of Advent. It has three purple candles, representing repentance, and the one pink candle, representing Joy. We light another candle each week, as we go through the season. It’s so beautiful how this tradition gives us a sense of stability, in that that we are doing something that millions of people have been doing for centuries, and yet we also have the anticipation of the great day that is coming and the change that the day represents.

Anything can become a tradition. Good experiences and activities that you hold onto, that have meaning, and bring a feeling of belonging are the kinds of things that become traditional. Baking a certain type of cookie for friends, decorating the tree on a certain day every year, getting together with friends for the holidays. So many good threads in the fabric of our lives.

Sit down with your family and make a list of your favorite traditions. You might be surprised at the interesting things that the other members of the family come up with. You might learn a lot about how they think, and what is important to them, by learning which family traditions they treasure the most.

Also, try to start one new tradition that begins with just your family. Talk about it together and make it a celebration!

The speed of life can leave us breathless sometimes. It is very good to have the solid familiarity of traditions and patterns in life to hold onto and to stand on as a foundation. Look at your traditions as gifts that you give, of yourself and to yourself!

Simple Gifts

As the season of holiday giving approaches do you find yourself in a state of anxiety over the expectations of family, friends, or your own desires? If you are feeling an increasing shadow looming over the coming weeks, perhaps it is time to examine the reasons for the season again and figure out what is stealing your joy.

Over the years, it seems, this season has gotten more commercial, has begun earlier and earlier, and has taken on an ever growing complexity. You may feel that life is complex enough all year and that what you want out of the holidays is a break from the chaos and confusion, a time to focus on simple joys.

So how can we simplify the part of this season that causes anxiety, and enhance the part that brings us joy?

First, ask yourself what is really important to you, in regards to the holidays. Perhaps you can look back to your childhood and examine the memories that you cherish. What are those memories? Big family gatherings? Making cookies with Grandma? Walks in the chilly air with your siblings or cousins? Most likely you will find that people, and time spent with them, will be the centerpiece of your best memories. This can help you look for ways to give of yourself and of your time, giving to your loved ones times that will live on in their own best memories.

How do you see simplifying in respect to gift giving? Have you become enslaved to the mad rush to get “something” for everyone, to fill stockings, to have a mountain of wrapped gifts to show for your effort? Do you feel obligated to provide things for the people you love, even when you aren’t sure what they would like? Is there a pressure within your family to match gift giving regardless of individual needs, wants or financial situation?

These can be difficult questions to reflect on deeply, but in seeking the answers you may find that the joy that you have lost in trying to keep up with expectations may be found in learning to express the love that you feel for those you give to by finding a simple and sincere gift that comes from your heart.

Such a gift might be something that you know your loved one desires. Tickets to a play or concert, a home-made craft that your have put your heart into, a day out to visit a museum or antique shopping, lessons in dance or an instrument. The important thing is that you have thought deeply about what would please the person that you are giving to.

Giving of ourselves is what gift-giving should be about. A pile of items that will soon become clutter cannot compare to one gift, given from the heart, that will become a part of the fabric of life.

Celebrate Change!

Isn’t Fall a glorious season?

Whenever the seasons make an abrupt shift, don’t you feel a certain energy in the air and a sense of urgency to make something happen, to stop waiting and start acting?

The air is crisp and even the light has a different tone. In the turning of the year, from Fall to Winter, we know that the days will be shorter soon, and outside it will be cold.

There are seasons in life as well.

In the Springtime of life we build, we grow, and we watch the fruits of our labors bud and begin. Our lives are busy with nurturing, encouraging, providing and establishing.

In the Summer, we move into the season of maturing and polishing. The fruit finds it’s place, matures and comes into it’s own. We are there to help it fall gently and in the right place.

As this season turns, we find that we are left with many things that are necessary for growth and change, are not needed anymore. A lot like the leaves on the trees and the stalks in the cornfields.

There is still a lot of time left, and much to do, but this season is exciting in a different way. It is energizing because it’s a time of discovering those things that we had to put off in the years of providing. Now we can think about travel, volunteering our time, working for a cause or reading all the books that we didn’t have time for. We can go back to school, or teach someone what we ourselves have learned.

But what about all the stuff that was collected over the previous seasons?  What of the heavy attic and bursting basement? The papers, clothing, toys, books, unfinished crafts and unneeded supplies? Why is it still weighing us down? It’s probably just been a task that has been waiting for the push of a new season. We are still mowing a huge lawn, painting unused rooms, and maintaining a home and belongings that we realize we really don’t need anymore.

Some of us will decide to downsize completely; selling the home and many of the possessions that we don’t need, to move to a place with less to maintain. Some of us will remove much of what we have collected and re-purpose our space; wanting to stay where we are, but to use the place to a more appropriate purpose.

Some of us will get stuck. We will look around and realize that the season is changing, but we will be unable to embrace the opportunity because we are too tired, too overwhelmed, or impeded by conditions that have caught up with us. Illness, age, or changes in mental health can make the task of moving on almost unthinkable, so it gets put off.

If you feel stuck, for whatever reason, know that you are not alone. You don’t have to tackle this project on your own, and it’s doesn’t have to be done tomorrow. There are so many people and resources out there to help you get started and walk you through each step of the project.

You may have friends that know you well, and can help you with visualizing what needs to be done, and then help you do the actual work. You may have family nearby that would love to help and are excited about the next phase of your life. If you don’t feel comfortable asking friends or family to help, for whatever reason, there are other resources that you can turn to for help.

Be It Ever So Humble

How many times in the last week have you said to yourself “If only I….”?

Think about it.

In our daily comings and goings, we have so much input from the world around us, and it can be unsettling when we think about the goals that we have set for ourselves, or possibly the goals that someone else has set, and the reality that we are living.

Do our expectations reflect the reality of our lives, or are we creating ideals that are unrealistic and that leave us feeling unfulfilled and unhappy?

For example, our homes should be places where we find comfort and peace, and yet for many people the home is a source of discontent. We read magazines, browse Pinterest, watch HGTV, and see these neat projects, beautiful makeovers, and lovely rooms. We want that too, for sure.

It’s a worthy goal to make our surroundings as comfortable and enjoyable as we can, but it becomes a problem when our ideals are not aligned with our reality, whether that reality is financial, spacial considerations, people, or time.

I love antique furniture, and I love the look of old wood polished to a golden glow, with warm accents around the room. I would love a room like that. Oh, and a fireplace. You really can’t have a warm cozy room decorated with antique furniture and not have a fireplace. Well, I don’t have the money to go out to antique stores and buy antique furniture in good condition. I really don’t have the confidence to buy a piece with “potential” and refinish it. And no, I don’t have a working fireplace. So instead I shop Craiglist, where I find pieces of furniture that speak to my taste, and can be had with my budget, but either need TLC or imagination to make them fit into my scheme. My ideal isn’t realistic, but with some work and mental adjustment, I have a home that I feel comfortable and content with, and we are able to keep the credit cards under control.

We don’t want to let our reality impede our aspirations. If the goals we set are worthy goals, then we should make a long-term plan to reach them. The key is to make steady progress, and recognize when you have achieved all you can, for now. Take a step back and see if the next part of the plan can be achieved with the time and resources that you have now, or if you need to take a break to gather them. Maybe you will find that you can be happy where you are, or maybe the ultimate goal needs to be reevaluated.

In her book, “Love the Home You Have”, author Melissa Michaels, tells of her quest for the perfect home for her family. She sought her “dream house” relentlessly in the early years of her marriage. She would find a house that she felt was perfect, as their family grew and changed, and she would dive in and make it everything that she could, working with what she had. She would be happy at first but then discontent would creep in and she would want to move again.

After years of searching for the perfect fit, she realized that it wasn’t the house around her that needed to be perfected, it was her vision of what home meant. She learned the art of contentment.

We all want and need home. That’s part of being human. We all want and need the things that are necessary for life, and some of the things that make it comfortable. The key is to recognize that home is as much a frame of mind as it is a physical place, and our homes can be everything we want them to be if we are willing to work hard and perhaps adjust our perspective.

Possessions or Possession?

No matter who we are, we all live in a society that puts a huge emphasis on possessions. Whether it’s advertisers telling us that we should have more, or trends and movements that encourage having less, there is always someone telling us that possessions, or the lack of them, are what define us. In a sense they do, in that we all have things that we love and things that we feel represent our place in the world and in history. Finding the balance is simple for some people, but most people struggle, in one way or another. In a culture where those with much appear blessed and those with little are encouraged to covet, we have seen entire industries develop around what to do with what we have, and how to get what we want. Are we in control of our acquiring, maintaining and disposing of possessions, or do our possessions possess too much of us?

We all have that friend that has it all together. Her house is guest-ready anytime anyone knocks on the door. She manages her time, schedules, family and outside events flawlessly, and she is always the one everyone goes to when something needs doing. Heck, even her car is clean.

The question of how she does it may not be as important as why. Yes, her house is immaculate, but how well do you know her? She could have a mental health issue like anxiety or OCD. She may be living with a bullying or abusive husband, who requires a spotless environment and is never pleased. She may have been raised with little affirmation, and is looking for approval through her home and family. She doesn’t have stuff lying around, her laundry is always caught up, the dishes are done and the bed is made, but why? Does she keep her house the way she does because she enjoys making a home and having a system, or does she feel like the home controls her? Does she plan her day and time around whether or not the house will suffer, or whether things will not be as she thinks they should? Would she be happier in a simpler environment with less to worry about?

On the other hand, of course, there is the “Clutter-bug”. That person who keeps trying but just can’t find the right locations for all their possessions. In the case where there is a place for everything, they can’t seem to get things back where they go. This person has an open and spontaneous personality, and probably is the one that you can count on for a fun get-together playing cards or watching a movie. While the home seems a lot more relaxed, this friend still apologizes for the state of things when you come to the house. They usually have great plans for getting organized, and talk about what they would like to do “someday”. They recognize that things could be a lot neater and better organized, and want it to be so, but are stymied by the actual process. This person is also controlled by her possessions, but in a different way. She spends an inordinate amount of time planning, wishing, and apologizing for the clutter and chaos; time that could be spent actually doing something to remedy it. It occupies her thoughts and makes her unhappy, but it never seems to change.

There is no magic solution to either of these extremes or to any situation in between that deals with an attachment to stuff. The only way to have lasting peace and to develop the proper perspective toward what we own is to learn and practice detachment, the practice of assigning the appropriate level of importance to the things in our lives. There are some people who have many possessions but always seem to be able to use, maintain and dispose of them with the attitude that it’s just stuff and you can’t take it with you. They aren’t wasteful or disrespectful of resources, but they also know that if something is worn out, broken, or has become useless to them, they can let it go and be free of it. There are also people who have chosen a life of simplicity and in some cases austerity. They know that having too much to take care of and think about is disturbing to the peace that they need to cultivate in order to be truly happy and focused on the things that are most important.  When people get absorbed in the pursuit of material possessions, it interferes with the pursuit of true happiness. Isn’t it ironic that in a wealthy country that was founded on the principle that happiness should be attainable for all, so many people are so very unhappy, often because of what they have accumulated with that wealth?