Putting Me in My Place...

This summer, I am taking a little bit of a vacation from the daily race and doing a lot of soul searching.

Nettie and I are still working with a couple of clients, but she is going to have a baby in a month, and I have been feeling that over-committed feeling. It was a rough Spring.

I have been taking stock of all that I was doing, and I am trying to find places that I can pare down. I have been sifting through my motivations, aspirations and obligations.
When I am out four nights a week and we are running all over to the kid's activities the rest of the time, where is the "stay-at-home" in SAHM?
How can I make a joyful and peaceful place for my family if I am never here?

There is a lot to be said for order in the home. A place for everything and everything in it's place.
I am finding that there can be visible order, however, with invisible chaos. I become scattered and distracted in my thoughts, and I become a less attentive and loving wife and mom, when I am trying to get from point A to point B and give all my other commitments the attention they need.
It's not just meetings. It's preparation, it's phone calls, it's a lot of thought. If I want to do a good job at my primary vocation, wife and mom, I need to focus on the people that I am serving.

My Mom has been doing a lot of thinking and praying and she has been sharing with me as she walks the journey of cancer and chemo. One thing that she said a couple of weeks ago, that really stuck with me, is how glad she is that she never went to work. Her life during our years together at home, and then after we left, has been so full and so fruitful. There is no measure of the richness and beauty of life. There are memories and the marks that experiences make on our souls. Mom has been able to live a rich and beautiful life because she ordered it after the people she loved. She didn't order the people after the obligations.

My kids are only going to be at home for another 15 years or so. My husband is working so hard so that we can have a rich and beautiful family life. If I fritter away the days and evenings on outside commitments, who will make the memories that will be there for them as they get older? What about doing fun things with Lucy, Lilly and Molly on the spur of the moment? It seems like there is always something on the calendar.

I want to have a different kind of year this school year. I want to have evenings at home reading aloud, baking, making holiday projects. I want to be more accessible to my family and less visible in the world.

I have learned a lot about authenticity and my desire for recognition. I have learned that I am a lot less authentic when I am trying do too much for too many. I have probably been trying to prove to myself that I can have a happy family, a great homeschool, a fulfilling job, and serve on lots of boards and committees and still have my sanity left. I can't.

Order isn't easy. I can keep everything in it's place, but I have a hard time keeping me in mine.